Is this therapist right for me?
The single most important element to therapy is the relationship between a therapist and client. Why? Well, who wants to open up to someone they don’t trust or feel comfortable with? I know I don’t. But how can you tell if the therapist you’re seeing is the right fit for you? Here are some green flags and red flags to help you distinguish between a strong therapeutic relationship and signs you may want to look for a new provider.
Green Flags
The vibe is right. Yes, this sounds very Gen Z of me, but I do think that you can sense in your body if the therapist you’re seeing feels right. You feel comfortable, the conversation flows relatively easily, maybe there’s even some laughter in sessions.
You trust your therapist. Now, this doesn’t mean that sharing difficult emotions or experiences is easy, because, let’s be real, vulnerability can be really hard. But you know that if you decide to tell your therapist something, they won’t judge you and will make you feel heard and seen.
Your therapist respectfully disagrees with you. For many people, we feel really strongly about things, and believe those feelings are facts. A good therapist can challenge this in a way that feels supportive in order to help you view things in a different way. For example, this week a client told me she “always” feels disconnected from people, but my response was, “I want to push back on that because you mentioned last week feeling more connected to this person from work.” Her response? “Oh yeah, I forgot about her.” It’s easy for our emotions to blind us to other perspectives - even our own! - and a good therapist can help point that out without you feeling unheard or disrespected.
You never feel pressure to share something you aren’t ready to share. Especially in trauma therapy, sharing about difficult experiences before someone is ready can be re-traumatizing. I know when I’m working with someone who has experienced something traumatic, I’m following their lead. I never need to know the details of an experience in order to help someone recover from them.
You can give your therapist feedback and they take it into consideration. Therapists are human too - we make mistakes just like everyone else. As scary as it might feel, being able to tell your therapist that they hurt your feelings or aren’t understanding you can actually be hugely beneficial to your work and the relationship. I ask my clients for feedback on what they’re finding helpful in our work and can shift how I am doing things in session to accommodate their needs. And if something I said hurt a client’s feelings, I won’t hesitate to apologize. It’s our job not to take your feedback personally, but instead view it through a clinical lens so that we can better serve you.
Red Flags
You feel judged by your therapist. This can be felt through comments they make, the tone they use, or the types of questions they ask. I would always encourage a client to bring this up in session to see how the therapist responds. There will likely be some exploration of why you feel the way you feel, but if they get defensive or their actions aren’t changing after receiving that feedback, it may be time to find someone else.
They talk about themselves too often in sessions. Yes, therapists may share some things about themselves if they think it will benefit the client. But if you’re feeling like you’re having to comfort your therapist, or they’re overly sharing about their personal issues, you can find someone who will put your needs first.
The way they do therapy doesn’t quite fit with what you’re looking for. Truly, not every therapist is the right fit for every client. For example, the kind of work I do is much deeper, connecting past experiences to current stressors. I find it very effective, but not every client is looking to do that. Some clients want more solution-focused treatment and that’s totally fine, but I may not be the best fit for them. When you’re looking for a therapist, ask them how they help clients meet their goals to see if their “roadmap” matches yours.
There’s something about their mannerisms that bothers you. Now, this could require some deeper reflection - is the way they talk bothering you because it reminds you of your mom, and you need to work through that in order to heal? Or are they just too talkative (or not talkative enough) which makes connecting with them feel difficult? I know for me, I tend to be a chatty therapist, keeping things conversational. Some people might find that annoying and that’s okay, it just means I’m not the right person to work with.
They aren’t respectful of your time. If a therapist is showing up more than five minutes late each session or is constantly having to cancel or reschedule on you, that’s a major red flag. I know therapists have their own lives going on but our job is to consistently show up for you. We know you’re clearing time in your busy day for us, and completely disregarding that is not professional. It’s okay to find someone new if you’re feeling like your therapist has too much going on or isn’t giving you the time you deserve.
